a little bit after noon, she prepared something to eat..
the t.v was tuned on to a channel out of her interest,
explains why she was far away with thoughts
i heard her sey somehting
as i turned, she was pale,
her facial posture was different
i switched off the t.v
and left her to ponder...

I remember the days when thy used to cry themselves to sleep.
I remember it vaguely though.
I saw the older one weeping in the tv room..
or rather, I heard him weeping.
I reached to him and rocked him back and forth in my embrace.
something a mother would naturally do.
He was only nine years of age then.
In the evening,a little after seven, a strong breeze came by,
and I could've sworn it was a mini tornado.
I wasn't far from wrong assumptions.
She was lost in the haze of sand..
screaming her name was all that could be done- the silent response followed by it jus kept everyone on edge.
It lasted for almost half an hour showering us with sand the color of wood..
it decorated the house both inside and outside with sand dat could build a row of pyramids.
I gasped.convulsively.

her heart was quivering,
the closed door and windows triggered a sense of suffocation,
but the words spoken was the main reason.
as soon as she blocks the meaning of the words, it begins to pulsate at regular intervals,

it was strange,
as though she was ..kept hostage in a mental institute..
her acts..
it terrified her more than it surprised her,
...she jus
..jus..
jus calmed down on her own..

i like the morning sun shining right through...

i would love it it more if it was by the beach...

the empty cries

the silent feelings

the absence of tears,

with or without it, life must carry on

the laughs

the shout of joy

the ever lasting smile

with or without it, life must carry on

blue

purple

black

white

silver

gold

yellow

orange

dark green

light green

baby blue

violet

maroon

grey

pink

salmon

red

beige

brown

chocolate

with or without these colours, life is either bright or dark..

without chocolate

life is missing an element...

u guessed it, im bored out of my mind!

Nas al sudan wen...
haboba wen..

najwa wen...
sami wen..
samiyah wen...
abdel ilah wen...
gadora wen...

tariq wen
hiba wen..
kuku wen...
mumu wen..
awilo wen..
lina wen...

im not afraid.

but it feels like fear.

fear to protect my own self. now is that wrong?

i feel selfish, selfish enough not to give another chance, selfish becos i have already given too many chances before, now is that wrong?

im devastated,not at anyone, but at myself, now is that wrong?

i long and yearn to be a kid again, now is that wrong?

i stop myself ffrom reminiscing the good times, now is that wrong?

everyday as my heart leans towards being united again, i remember the reason of the detachment jus so as to gain back the strength of not giving in, now is that wrong?

everytime i remember, my heart pounds like a fist beating on a drum, now is that wrong?

everytime a word describes something similar, i get the shiver, now is that wrong?

everytime i forget, i remeber again, now is that wrong?

everytime i know i have forgiven, but i dont want to repeat the past, now is that wrong?

eveytime i feel that as long as i have forgiven and have some love stil in the heart, i dont need it any more structured, now is that wrong?

everytime i care, i get hurt, now is that wrong?

everytime im awake, im asleep, now is that wrong?

everytime i dream,its actually a scene from a fairy tale.now is that wrong?

everytime i cry,im not certain ill find immediate comfort, now is that wrong?

but also everytime i cry, i get all da comfort needed, now is that wrong?

everytime i start to wipe my tears from the very tip really well, its a signal from my brain asking me to stop crying already, and i do, now is that wrong?

everytime i wanna make sure i stop feeling the pain, i make sure i tell myself its ok,almost denial aint it? now is that wrong?

everytime i wanna scream my lungs out, im in a closed place, now is that wrong?

everytime i try the screaming on the pillow method, i scream only quarter my lungs out, now is that wrong?

SO,everytime i wanna feel light again, .I run the tap water .. and it debars the floating misery enclosing my heart.

....

" THE HUNGER GAMES"

"CATCHING FIRE"

"MOCKINGJAY"

GOTTA GOTTA GET GET EM EM

theres so much that it seems so little. theres so much inside but very little outside. the outweighing reflection of the outside overshadows the inside and leaves me alone in a puzzle more complexed than it has ever been. so i sit and try to visualise it in a broader meaning, but i fail and start thinking of that warm lunch gathering at the cabin where they used to run and play.
the presence of passion is so intense but their memory evokes instant pain and quickly reminds of that last bite i took before i collapsed to the ground.
after it is complete nothingness, its like my life has stopped there.i cant recall anything nor can anybody tell me where they took them.I soar.

so its already past four, the weather had calmed down,and the smell of the spring breeze sways by and creates a beautiful aroma from the mixtures of flowers grown in the front yard.

that early morning he was taken back to where they robbed him from nature.
just the sound of the lizards reminded him of the churps of the birds, dont question how. but now u dont see them birds there anymore nor do u see much green, all u see are stones-though its part of nature,and thats why they think thyve still left them something behind..

feeling bad and guilt together is like releasing gas and striking a match

my baby girls..

hayati..

my life!

i know the exact joy shes feeling
i hope i do
i know i do
yet im not certain.
i never can be
i cant
even if i wanted to
so do u know the exact sadness and pain im in?
im not sure

i was young, too young
its a surprise i have a memory of it
me being showered by her eriday im back from kindergarden- if my memory serves me right.
then things changed
life as a whole changed
now, im thinking, just one phone call can destroy your heart.
eritime i hear the ring and then answer and hear the background,i get afraid to hear the voice,actually the tone of the caller.
becasue today the only thing that phone call left me with is a scar
its painful, but i still refer to it as a scar of love,as its only intelligible to me
tears..
its in me, that scar
shes always with me
always,and forever
through that scar and in my heart.
so today, id like to refer to it as 'birth mark' ,
becos brith mark is with u since ur an infant and till u die.
thats exactly how she fits in my life
i love you.

the cold air flowing out of my heart paralysed my surrounding.
it suffocated me and forced me to share a scream.
the pain penetrates deeper and creates a bag of tears. A bag of tears only significant to me
so i check where i can find comfort..

i didnt want to leave the room
i was pinned to the ground with a strong sense of magnetism playing about,
in that room, everything was wat i wanted it to be then,
the room temperature was just right to match the illness i fell into that day.
the warmth of his presence was a blanket over me.
i felt like a kid again..
the amount of obvious love and concern took the pain away instantly. the sign of worry in that fatherly calming eyes dripped a tear of unknown emotion.
at that moment he was playing both the role of a "father" and a "mother". i couldnt bare the weight of love that was imposed in me...it was too much.

i slept.
with his voice in my head, i slept
with my thoughts running in my head, i slept
i slept and woke up to the beautiful sound of azan
smiles....

the vision of blood gushing out all over in the surgery room disgusts me,
the vision of me in that surgery room excites me
the feeling of wanting to help people makes me happy
that is why my dream was to become a doctor

wen ur glass is filled with coke and u drink half of it and u then realise its about to finish and there is no coke left for u to refill, u get sad.when the glass is really empty its almost painful.
today, i wanna call emptiness pain..
this emptiness im encountering is pain
more painful than the feeling of not being loved
the emptiness makes me feel as thin as air
ofocurse, not in size.lol
the emptiness causes my fragility to be more severe
the emptiness yearns that vital component of my life
the emptiness created a huge hole in my heart
the emptiness drags me ten feet down to earth
the emptiness needs to be filled back
come back mum!
i miss u
i need u
i love u
i miss u so much......

Because i care

miss mum so much...
so so so so so so much..

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the fruittynes of the lollipop created its own juice in my mouth.
sounds disgusting if u think about it.

he called them beautiful kids, actually to use his exact words without accusations, he said "beautiful children".
and right then i knew it came from deep within himself. and it jus got me thinking of his life..of how his life is almost the same as the example tht was given, but yet not the same. got me thinking if it was hard for him to deal with it, got me thinking if it needed training, and patience to be strong and be able to handle it. to be able to sleep with a different thought in mind eventually rather than the same every night..

a fist as big as an athlete's punched me hard in the gut

The breeze was forcing me to leave the house and take a walk despite the clouds of the heavy rain thats about to greet us. ive always adored the wind. i mean even when it came to captain planets characters i chose to be 'wind' ,winka was her name. Actually i think i was water ,Gi,lol. cos i remember winka was girly lol.
so the breeze reminded me of our summer home by the beach, but mostly reminded me of the strong aroma of coffee beans mother always brewed and served in a pot for father and hersef. i remember back home during my vacations wen i was still a kid, every noon my aunt grabbed her equipments needed for the brewing and sat singing happily. i remember clearly because i always squatted beside her in utter amazement.i remember her seyin a robust coffee is what made her mood function perfectly for the rest of the day.
whats amazing is that the neighbours would come and gather themselves for what they dont describe as caffeine down their system but a little coffee party with more than one cup gulped down their throat. But yet again, i think they were fully aware of the caffeinated beverage as there was a strict rule to "kids arent allowed coffee".. as if it was some kind of wine. that always created a sense of curiosoty to why not.
today, i LOVE COFFEE. laughs...

I ran the tap water ... just to debar the floating misery enclosing my heart.....

i believe in fate, i believe Allah has a better plan for me.
I believe i shud just get through my uni life as i'm not even certain i'd be living up to that day when i graduate.
I beleive every little thing could be a sign, both optimistic and pesimistic. well, me and the colour purple discovered that today.
I believe theres a purpose to every reasoning, but is there a reasoning to a lie?
im here with papers to fill, its funny, becasue it almost feels like a divorce document. I' ll havta go to finance and whatnot as if they are my lawyer. It's a funny fit to the description of my situation.
right now, i can smile, jus thinking its my fate and i should accept it and that Allah is with me throughout, but yet im saddened by the whole idea of why they can't try helping me. because if they tried and it failed, ill accept it right away, with lesser emotions. but they refused to even try. they refused to let me claim whats almost my right, they refused to have me use my voice which they have no right over at all. They refused.

Sometimes, wen i sit and ponder, i see the problem is from me, not them, i started it.I released the gas, they jus lit the match. If i wasn't so much of a fickle mind, eritin wud've been different. but yet again i question myself, am i fickle minded for a purpose?
i really dont know, im not jus stuck in reverse right now but my normality will be stuck in there for a while too.
it's crazy how something not that much of a value can mean the world and bring u collapsing to the ground.
i shouldnt be in this pessimistic state and believe this is the end of everything for me, atleast i was given the chance to appeal.this is not that bad compared to someone who lost their loved ones and were not able to do anything about it, no appeal no nothing, but they can still stand on their feet.why am i complaining so much?how many ppl r there with bigger problems? my problem is nothing. infact, i should just say "Alhamdullilah"

theres this people who steal

no not thieves

they stole from me

nope not gold

they really did steal, i dont have diamonds though

they stole twice

im serious

not money

nope not pearls

im serious

they stole my dream

they even stole my accepted career

its that place we all know...

chance gave me a chance to be friends with one of the nicest guy, but i made little of it.so he left and then i graduated.
now he is in a diferent continent n here i am!!
then chance thought, "hey, let me give her another chance"..
whataya know, im emptying all my anger to him.
now i call him my friend.
funny.
i guess im trying to sey everyone should be given a second chance.
uia? ...can u hear me?
ofcourse u dont!!!!

bleeding heart

i just hurt my own heart.
i stabbed it continuously on a wound that has always been a tumour
a wound that no word can cure
the tumour grew and expanded further.
i don't need a doctors prescription because this is not sickness.
its cure has to be sought from deep within..
within the inner soul, or perhaps harder than it already sounds .
This is going to take time...
a lot of time indeed!
time is a factor in everything..
i need to speed time.. i can't afford to wait.. i need time to pass by fast!
yet, time is gold,we need to preserve it.

he went out to take a road less travelled by, but by then i already panicked and missed him. Now she awaits him because she knows during the journey to time,he is the remedy.

the game with brazil was definitely a heart breaker, im this close to not watching any game. Im only watching it to see spain walk away with the cup..or it'll be nutin but a total despair!
uruguay played really well and so did ghana actually, it would have been nice if ghana made it to the semi finals, since it was the only african country that made it this far! but im also happy with the effort uruguay showed,they are known to be strong so a round of appluase!!!
the game was a boiler,it lead to an additional time of 30 mins and eventually to da round of penalties..ghana screwed all their penalty shots from the very start. As for uruguay, their attempt of shots was every now and then but yet the ball refused to get in, or perhaps maybe ghana had an excellent goalie- kingson was his name

P.S waiting for the argentina and germany and then spain and uruguay..
fingers crossed!
but they always say..the heart speaks louder!

blue..
exasperated..
psychologically depressed..
heart brokened..
saddened..
infuriated...
outraged..

soemone hasta call FIFA n reschedule the whole world cup from start!!
this is wrong..

tension was always there since i knew my favourite teams were playing against each other..
it was indeed very hard for me, but my love for my people (spanish) for once had me be decisive upon something. I still love portugal and they know dat. im sorry guys..

the whole time during the match my bones were tightened, allowing every move to be stiffened disgustingly.waiitng for spain to score. i have to say both teams were playing really well. But, spain was dominating, which equalizes everything as the portugees had really good defense. God was testing me until the 60 sumtin minute of the game wen spain thought it was enough suspense created for their fans and scored the first goal.they better had done that as i was not prepared for any penalty shoots at the end. in that minute, everything that seemed ugly became beautiful.everything. as beautiful as their language and their people.or shall i say our language our people.lol.
david villa had everyone sitting standing, he broke the horrifying silence and unstiffened them muscles!

spain's painful moment of the game for me was wen the ball ramos danced with was jus a tini mini bit from the goal.AAAAGH! i felt his intense physical and mental pain
every player did an excellent job, they played as a team, and they were more or less the other brazilians.
the portugees get almost as much credit as the spanish. there's always two winners but only one golden winner!

with that i hugged myself to sleep!

THEY LEFT TODAY..
MUM..
FISA..
SAMIYAH..



I MISS THEM SO DEARLY!!

LOTS OF LOVE

so i said june is an amazing month.
but like every person has their good and bad side, june has its bad day!
today.
june made me laugh made me smile and shared its joy with my family. But today june is moody, it decided to have a little bit of attitude like the cool girl in school- the cheerleader everyone wanted to be.June saw me as the girl with the braces, the girl with the lunch box, june jus slapped me hard and left an empty space in my heart. yet,june is a good friend, its not junes fault, its fate.
they say people come and go, i jus never thought it applied to family. i just never thought dad would have to feel like his heart needed a transplant, like his right arm was being amputated, like his sight is being blurred, like his hearing is being....
never thought a day would come where he would stand there hugging her and her screams and laughter and cries from childhood till her adulthood would resonante this much on him. never thought he wouldnt have the time to synchronize all the memories in order..because theres too much of them.
the only thing i knew is that it would be so hard for him to let her go,out of his full responsibility, out of his sight, away from us..
all that i knew..
because his hobby is all of us.

life..
theres a begining to it
a mid begining
a new start
an ending
finally an eternal ending
but not all could be fulfilled..
this i bleieve is her mid begining, with every good wishes and prayer heading her way
and because i envision her with a happylife and with us all again, i can wipe that tear off and smile..
a smile for my lovely sister!

IVE BEEN SICK..SICK SICK WITH THIS WORLDCUP FEVER!!!
JUNE IS SUCH AN AMAZING MONTH

]forever brazil!!!

we made it in!!!

viva la espania!!!!

okey so its already thursday!
almost friday..
and im all nervous
although im not the bride!
lol
its thursday n its gonna be friday, a day of joy for many of us..
and den saturday where i get to watch the repeat of brazil n portugal since i missed it the night before..
n den night comes turning to sunday
and i weep!

sometimes we need to remind ourselves that tomorrow is not promised.
sometimes we need to sit and ponder on our mistakes and find a way to betterment.
sometimes we should not act when our innerself doubts
sometimes we should find reasonings rather than walk with the blind
sometimes .........
im just a real dumbass!

i miss my granny..my sister..my nieces..my nephews..my cousins..i miss home..

:(

the pull of love was like a strong magnet opposing each other.
the description of joy felt was like colored balloons with laughing kids running around the room, with no worries and never ending happiness in the arms of their parents. Except this part came with a bitter taste of letting go of their arms and entering the first door to her begining. A new begining for her to create, having the honour to let someone else yearn for the love and happiness in her arms for a very long time, until a day like the one she had to learn to let go, comes again and another pattern creates its own.
i will dearly miss her, and i cant imagine how it wud be..
but all i know is ohana will always remain ohana and da love grows deeper till the end.

she drove, and dat shud b a good reason for me to b happy today! (08.06.2010)
so tomorrow is the big day, laughs..the scary day, the awkward gonna turn out day. i dont eeven know y its scary..too paranoid..thinking a lot..beyond BEYOND. Hw bad cud it be?
like im sure a secret recipe cheese cake wud make almost everyone happy, but unlike purple, she'd go for my first choice of indulgence! first my man..now my cake..sheeesh!

so seriously im starting to think all this fever n sickness is actually jus usher fever!!
i mean who wudve thought usher wud make it to this part of Asia..
i mean y not the philippines or indonesia or such.. i hate to sey this, but I TOLD U SO! he is here for me and only me, da real mrs usher.

as trey seys, sey Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

staring at the ceiling i could see the shadow of the old lamp dancing from side to side. Subtle light from the roof hole gave the curtain an exuberant glow.Succumbing to silence, i swallowed hard to untie my airways. i sat and languidly hugged my knees to supress my mental exhaustion.

my Dearestt frend

baffled...and really really exhausted.

YE TE EXTRANYO MUCHO..

its too bright , the light is altering my sight to the open. The greeness of the mountains almost "soft touched" the clouds creating a new mixture. I'm sipping off my pink flamingo. Truly, i dont know what it really is, but its sourness creates funny emoticons outta me! But i still sat there still, wondering where she could be. I could've followed her, but i ended up proving myself as what they call "a dumbass". That however , shud not have been justified!
my head hurts with a throbbing pain at the sides. The aspirin i took this morning has obviously not reacted much. Im waiting, and all that fills the air around me is the noise coming from the crowd. And the endless thoughts running in my heart instead of head.
Funny thing is, im not making much sense!

i wanna sit here cry and drown in my tears,
i wanna sit here and scream my lungs out,
i wanna sit here and see where i went wrong,
i wanna undo the puzzle,
i wanna trace back the maize field,
i waana be in my garden of flowers,
i wanna make a better me
i wanna bring back time,
i wanna redefine "Love"
i wanna Re-define "friendship"
i wanna be the one there when you're down,
i wanna be there when you're in joy
i wanna see you smile..
i wanna see you happy,
i wanna breathe again

please get this brass chain outta my neck

missing a lot of people so dear to my heart, i can almost cry a river...

it was obvious he means a lot to her

he is off on his weekends but shes ova here obsessing about his concern

seriously gal jus knock it out

im sure everything is okay, hopefully

so she was at the coffee shop and he was sitting with her goofing his ass off, making her day the bestest day ever. just with coffee..imagine what chocolate would have done.

closed my eyes to calm myself, i saw his smile, his angelic smile.He captured my heart and my brain couldnt help but store his image. his beautiful image.masha'allah. .. i wanted to hold him right there and tell him daddy loves you so much..

gosh when he walked in and saw her, her heart fell to the ground and was ready to run away

even at the bottom of the sea, i could still hear it inside my head...

A.keys

malos nunca sera el mismo si alguna vez reunirse de nuevo

cuando le de todo lo que tiene? que mas puede usted possiblmente dar..

yo seria un mentiroso si no lo digo yo estranyo mucho :P

extranyo a mi papa tanto

if someone is drowning me, my first saddest thought is that i wont get to be with u family again..

if someone is drowning me, one of my saddest thoughts would be that i wont get to see u smile and laugh again..

he made her happy and she just wanted him there forever, the thought of not being there is saddening.

if there is anyhting more painful than this thats about to strike her, lisa hoped she could handle it. what she has been through in the past week was awfully terrible. it was all she never wanted. terrified, she had shut the door to all of that, and thought its funny,cos she thought she will never havta go through it ever. luckily she had lucas to make her laugh and smile despite all dat horrific nightmare.

that day was remarkable, she exclaimed!

down memory lane. could da future be as good or even better?
smiles at the thought of miracles..
they went together and waited to be left alone, i mean no one spoke out loud but the sound of the heart pounding very loudly was pretty obvious..
excuses excuses..how how..think harder. shit im an ass wat am i doing??
so many occuring in her head at once..
she suddenly stopped, but the person beside her as if reading her mind or the hearts had a conversation with each other im not really sure, left excusing herself to be right back.
omg now shes gone.wat next..take a deep breath.jus b normal its all cool..
gosh y am i talking to myself in my head like a maniac..

oooh :) my elbow..
ok wait maybe its an accident
my nose?wat? r u fo serious...but thats so cute!!
here, this is fo u..hope u like it!..
she's back...

te amo mucho :)